Hopeless on Hope
Because you’d smile at me,
As if you fucking knew.
My heart spoke
The rhythm of you.
I saw not just a man,
I saw straight through.
I saw kindness underneath,
The armor you wore
To hide the truth.
But I knew every layer of you.
Images now haunt me,
The kind I can’t fucking undo.
The nights I lay on your shoulder,
Believing I was safer with you.
The weekend we got
Rum drunk by the pool.
You put my hair up,
When I puked.
Carried me to the couch,
And stayed until I woke up.
Kinda cute.
Thinking about us,
Really fucks me up.
But I became fluent in
Your asshole dialect.
Staying calm,
Whenever your moods would shift.
I’d say what do you need babe.
And even pick that shit up.
You hate the way I drive.
But I was always behind the wheel.
I came when you called,
In the middle of the night,
Just to get you.
I’d never get gone.
Not like you do.
I stayed loyal and faithful.
When you gave me,
No fucking reason to.
Now I’m trying to figure out,
How to remove your tattoo.
The one you gave me,
After we got drunk playing darts.
I still laugh about the time,
We looked for orbs in the stars.
You killed the moment,
And said they were just planes.
You hated romance.
Yet somehow,
You still made my heart,
Go a little insane.
But I admired,
Your smart witty brain.
Except you fucked with me.
Blaming me for dating
Other guys.
You were projecting.
To push me away.
Never asked me,
To be patient and wait.
Wanting me to beg.
Wanting me to chase.
I lost my mind,
Praying you’d just stay.
Becoming unfamiliar.
You changed for the worst.
My smiles turned into,
Tears and more hurt.
I wanted more nights together.
Off roading, the gym and the bars.
To talk for hours
Inside the spa.
I loved washing your back
in the shower.
And pissing you off,
with my laughter and chatter.
How does happiness,
make you run
Farther and faster.
How does the man
who once called me
Babe and beautiful,
Become someone I no longer know.
Because I’d always choose you.
The dude that you are.
I’d never leave you,
Stranded and broke,
Or alone in the bar.
It really sucks that,
You gave me no choice,
But to run far.
To let go of the man
who sat beside me,
Whenever I needed somebody.
The one who was there for me,
Through real fucking tragedies.
But you never fully let me,
Into your life.
Funny though, I made you,
A whole part of mine.
The rodeo, crab boil,
and movie night dates.
You even took me off road
to a beautiful place.
Yet somehow,
I always felt,
Like you were mad at me.
I felt so ugly,
In my own damn skin.
Like I had to earn it,
Just to feel wanted.
Love wasn’t supposed
to feel like a casting audition.
Oh but it did.
The whole damn time,
For me you were enough.
You tore my world apart,
Shattered me to my core.
Funny though, as mad as I am,
I couldn’t imagine,
distorting yours.
I should’ve known better,
When you never took me to church.
Thanks for the holy water,
But I should’ve believed
Patterns and your twisted words.
I wasn’t asking for forever.
I wasn’t asking for perfection.
I was only asking,
If I could be yours.
The man I was in love with.
In the year old texts.
What happened to him?
You became somebody different.
Back when silence,
Wasn’t always your answer.
I still thought it’d be you,
God knows I wanted it to be.
But love can’t survive,
On almost or maybes.
It died,
In the distance you created
Far away from me.
Choosing less for yourself.
Hey, you know what you need.
Babe, your silence finally spoke.
It said everything,
You never had the courage to say.
So I had to let you go.
Cause I can’t live a life,
Hopeless on hope.
Or carry a love,
That has no place to call home.
Written by Epiphany Tiffany.