Expectations of Failure.

Ever feel like you have expectations but in a negative connotation?
Like the survivor inside expects hurt, trials, and pain just because that’s all you know? That’s just comfort. “comforhurt” is how I would say it. Because a survivors telescope only focuses in on the deceptors that are striving to take aim at our vigorous hearts. We know that we can capture them. It’s easy for us, because we are already expecting them to fail us. So, we reel em onto our paths and allow them to conquer their quests simply because it’s comforting. As if survivors don’t have time to expect positive qualities like normal unhurt people do. But the issue is… WE ARE ALL BROKEN. Hurt people hurt people. But I saw a reel that said, heal people heal people, and it dawned on me that we’re all a little bit of both hurt and healed. To be healed, well we gotta get through the hurt hurtles first, cause technically ya can’t be healed without hurt.. But maybe survivors posted themselves on the forbidden island of doom because they simply felt safe. I mean it makes sense to me. To live life free, like Adam and Eve minus all the peace and tranquility. More like a bunch of hurtles and deceits of false beauty and battles thanks to infidelity. But what if that telescope lens on the other end of our expectations of comfort could zoom elsewhere? What if we could throw out the "comforhurt" and actually step into the unknown? I mean I know it’s scary, but is surviving truly living at all? Because the true definition of survivor is a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died. Which I’d literally, logically speaking, call life. I mean we’re all in this jungle trying to survive, and literally everyone dies. But hypothetically, maybe a part of ourselves died along with the dead to us beings who broke our hearts. The tragical ending only resulted us to believe that they failed us. But only because of the simple fact that we knew that they would. So whose truly at failures fault here?

That’s how the same story goes. If you keep reading the same book, the same page, hell the same type, you will keep receiving the same damn trials and tribulations. Naming yourself the survivor of the same damn hurt time and time again. You’ll end up so damn good at it, that you actually allow jokers to wreak havoc inside of your righteous queendom. We gotta break that cycle! Because expectations of failure only lead to failure. Simple as that. You see, when we have an expectation, it’s kind of like looking into a mirror and seeing only what we want to see, not what others see. It’s sort of like focusing in on that image that’s edited to our desires. We expect it to look that way, so it meets our expectational standards. Expecting failure is fatal to ourselves because we end up putting a price tag on our blessings by never allowing ourselves to shop anywhere we don’t believe we can afford. When our actual merit exceeds beyond all of the thrift shops that we’ve been bargaining at. We just don’t see ourselves the way others do. That’s the biggest flaw I’d have to admit for myself. By being a woman that was constantly let down by people, that narrative became an expectation when it should have been a motivation. If I would’ve acknowledged my hurt as a motivation verses an expectation, it would’ve triggered me not to succumb to settling into a failure just because it was comforting in the worst possible way. Expectation made me believe it would never change. With that attitude it never will. I had to walk away from comfort time and time again, to end up feeling brave for facing my biggest fears head on. Yet somehow a part of myself still chooses people that I know will fail me. They prove it to me time and time again. Dare to prove me wrong?

While I think to myself, who cares if they fail me, God won’t fail me, hell I won’t fail me. But the issue with that motto is, well, we weren’t put on this planet to be selfish God loving humans. We were put on this planet to be self-righteous loving, kind, compassionate God loving humans. Dammit not solo ones. We weren’t built to be alone. Even if The Dalai Lama himself was single for decades. He could look me dead in the face, show me independence at its finest, by being one fucking happy single fella, and I would still call his bluff. Because God didn’t put us here to be independent. Of course, it’s a positive quality to have your crap together and tie ya damn shoes. For Christ sake, that doesn’t make you independent, it makes you a fucking go getter. A go getter isn’t afraid to step out of their comfort. Hell, I know it’s terrifying. So maybe I’m just too terrified. Maybe I believe that I’ll never find someone who won’t actually let me down. Maybe settling with the mediocre failure expector is the best bet because at least I won’t ever be alone. I mean damn those words hit me straight to the core because it's so true! We have all actually settled with those words. I’ll admit that. But to settle doesn’t actually make you a survivor. Yea you may have survived, but true merit is character after the crash. Choosing to follow the same path that led you straight to it, is only going to take your bruised heart right back to another wreck. The vicious never-ending fucking circle cycle of wrath that you trapped yourself into because you call yourself broken. But you’re broken because you survived. Just because you are alive doesn’t mean you are actually living. Ask yourself... When is the last time I actually have NOT been let down? When is the last time somebody saw me? Not just my filtered photo, or my pretty eyes and straight teeth. I’m talking about the person that sees peoples souls, and asks dumb questions. That laughs so hard, she snorts, and curses high octave voice pitches when she watches her favorite team play. The gal that cares about everyone and puts herself last. Because although she has herself, who will have her back when she stumbles?

We got to start seeing ourselves the way we want others to see us. Definitely stop allowing the patterns of our past dictate our future plans. Because the past will never comeback. It may have molded us into who we are today, but that doesn’t mean all that bullshit needs to stay. Like all that deep-rooted garbage that conformed us just to expect failure. I read this quote, “what if I fall, but darling what if you fly?” It spoke volumes to me because we are so damn scared to fly. Because flapping our wings never guarantees us to soar. But I believe that we determine how far we go and where we land, based off of our expectation of the province. If you tell yourself you’re going to fail, you’re going to fail. If you say I’m going to fly, metaphorically you will fly! It’s all about how we maintain our attitude and mindset that guides us the right way. I believe the past is the past, and we are not truly living if we aren’t living for today. So I had to throw it away. By disposing the past trauma that wouldn’t even mold to me today. We have to consistently and proactively define ourselves through our character scope, not our survival mode. We need to do this by being genuine to our beings, and just believing in Gods promises. Expecting failure creates failure. Expecting good creates good. Expectations are just a form of prediction. I can look at a lie long enough and predict it to be true. Or I can do the work it takes to find the actual proof to validate it. Either way, a lie is still a lie. The expectation never changes the rule. Failure is still failure. Regardless of your expectation or not, it’s not a healthy mindset to expect the worst. To destin your future by labeling it a failure is hurtful to someone who is worthy. Someone that might fight on your team when it came time to win or lose. To be uplifting when you need them to. Someone that teaches you something new and looks at you the way you do. Why risk all of that merely because of a damn expectation? Unless our gut is telling us something is off, we gotta shift gears out of the constant comfort and let life dictate our paths. We are all broken people with hurt, and trails, and errors of fails, but our failures should never justify our character. Because that is not why we are here. 

I may have deep rooted tendencies that expect failure, but being aware of what my biggest expectations were, made me see them for what they actually are. Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we are right. Sometimes we don’t have a damn clue. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we soar. Life is unpredictable. But as long as we live it, we can truly never fail. Although, I expect myself not to fail. Of course, I wouldn't allow that. Yet I tend to expect everyone else around me too? That’s pretty messed up if you really think about it. But my past taught me that. My past taught me that failure is something to expect from others. Because no one has truly shown me another way. Thanks to heartbreak in the worst possible way, I never really gave anyone else a chance. Yea, I may have been misled and guided towards failure because it’s known to me. Being a survivor and all, you are made to draw blood, to get your heart beat up, and somehow find a way back up off of the ground. But the problem with that was, although I survived, I never wanted to be put in a situation where I could hurt again. Because succeeding in love, with the possibility of heartbreak, well I just couldn’t ever fathom that. Expected failure was the best route to take because I already knew the outcome at play. But I never make the same mistake twice. The problem with that was, I was only depriving myself from the beauties that God put on this earth here for me. I rejected the good because I was scared of the bad. I may have survived, but I died the moment I denied prosperity. So I will never let that happen to me ever again.

You see, I let my hurts haunt me. I caved into the cave by truly allowing one epic fail, to fail me. I may have picked myself up, but I became a survivor. Not a fighter. I think I choose my battles safely by expecting failure because I am so damn afraid to ever again expect the best in someone else. I can be the best that I can be on my own two feet, but what is it all worth when I am falling backwards with no arms out to reach for me? 

Written by yours truly,

-Epiphany Tiffany