Go for it.
Are we all broken?
I can’t help but think while I’m having drinks at a rooftop bar looking at the view of the small speckles of life existing below me.
Yes and no.
As adults, we have been through so many trials that we are sort of fixed the way we are. Yet, somehow we adapt, we heal, we change, we grow and we conquer. Hell, I’m super independent and broken myself. But I’ve learned so much about me just by allowing someone else into my safest space. Doesn’t mean it’s easier when you turn one into a duo. We still have our own issues we face daily ourselves. But how do we find balance? How can we turn everyday frustrations that bring out our own insecurities to find reassurance? I mean this is all simple stuff. But god I can’t tell you how many times I felt triggered by someone else’s bad day that only led me to an insecure breakdown. So how can we find trust in an untrusting world? How can we find peace during trialing times? How can we believe in something more when we have always been let down by everyone but ourselves? I don’t have the answers. But I do know that by putting ourselves out there we will always find out. We always find out the truth. I have always been a firm believer in that. But maybe by trusting you will learn how to trust. By being kind you will learn kindness. By being understanding you could be understood. The phrase “it never hurts to try” never really harmed anyone. Unless you are a curious cat with one life left out of the nine, you got nothing to lose but your own sanity. I'll always say go for it.
After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result right? Why go insane expecting so much from others when we are the only ones who have the actual power over ourselves? But I myself have been caught in that web. Marriage for instance. By falling into a pattern of reliance, expectation and control. Beginning with relying on someone else to do the damn dishes, to relying on someone else to make me smile. Somewhere inside the reliance I forgot that I held the power to make myself fucking smile. Was control the main issue here? Does that mean reliance feeds off of control...? Maybe? I mean we can all be a little controlling. We get comfortable, we start relying on the other to be there. Then it becomes more, relying on them to do things because its things we had to do ourselves before. Someone else is stepping in and relieving some of the pressures of everyday life struggles. So it brings sort of a peace and comfort that we rely on. Even compliments can even be fatal. As we slowly let go of our own self-worth because we rely so much on someone else’s reassurance that we forget to reassure ourselves. Then it turns into relying on them just to feel happy. It’s sort of like a resilience that we absorb into. I mean a lot of the good qualities, like the peace and comfort are positive things. But to rely on someone to make you happy, feed your self-worth by complimenting you, or doing everything for you actually makes you neglect yourself. And that’s when control seeps in. Because control realizes the reliance. Making you become co-dependent. A little co dependence is okay, but anything too much is just too much. Too independent leads to isolation, and too co-dependent leads to needy. This is why I say balance is key. But the only real way to learn is by trial and error. I guess my marriage failed because I never trial and erred my way through it. It was all error with no trials that built us to truly rely on each other to correct our errors. All the reliance and control took over, and communication failed. There were trials because we always had the same argument, leading to errors that weren’t solvable. The same fights, the same bullshit. Leading to failure, and mostly, insanity by always repeating the same crap over and over again.
Don’t get me wrong, reliance is so important, as it teaches us to be relied on. But relying on others for things that others have no power over such as, inner happiness, self-worth, and emotional prosperity will only cause mental corruption because it’s so damaging to ourselves. When we rely on another person to nurture what we need to fulfill for ourselves, we are handing them the power and control over our own well-being. This is why it’s so important to get right with ourselves. Work on ourselves, heal ourselves. Hell if we don’t take the time to heal, we won’t be able to move forward. This is why I say we are all broken. But we can all be healed. Just by choosing ourselves. By trusting ourselves we will learn how to trust. Did you ever think maybe you found yourself in the wrong place because you trusted the wrong person? Maybe it’s not their fault you didn’t see their flaws. And I can’t count how many times I was broken that I only attracted the broken. We are only what we attract. So by being the example of what we want, we will attract just that. If you are a liar, you will attract liars. If you are a good human, you will attract good humans. The issue with being a good human is the wicked. But by being healed, you will be able to see the thieves who want to rob your joy and you won’t allow it. Take that time you need to rebuild you. So you don’t keep making the same mistakes. Your heart deserves a tranquil home.
Because dolls, you are worth more than anyone else’s bad day. You are worth more than any one else’s struggle. Because at the end of the day, you have to go to sleep with yourself. You don’t have to sleep with anyone else if you don’t want too, but you don’t have the choice to leave yourself right? So get right with you first. Because when we do this, and find ourselves back into another relationship, we will actually work through the trials and not make the same errors over and over again. And everything else will fall into place just as it should. No controlling natures to force fate. Or heavily reliance to rely on them to build you up. Maybe you’ll rely on them to make you happiER, smile biggER, or walk a little more chippER. Hell I’m not saying not to be thankful for someone. I’m saying to go fucking enjoy them. Just don’t rely on them for things that you have already within yourself. You are a bad ass. You accomplish so many things. You just need to realize everything you feel you are lacking is already inside of yourself. A lot of what we want in our lives we rely on from others. But the key to getting what we want is by modeling exactly what we want. Not relying on someone else to give it to us. This is why I say not to reflect off of someone else, be a reflection of yourself.
Look. Letting someone in is a reflection of your inner beauty. Being truthful is a reflection of you. Being kind is a reflection of you. Being understanding is a reflection of you. So when someone gets close to you and you show them who you are that is an amazing thing. Being authentic is a positive quality not a lot of people can conquer. Because they’d rather hide inside of their fears because they are too afraid that they will not be good enough. But that’s just the thing. Truth always prevails. It will come out. Hiding inside of our fears only buys us a little bit of time. Eventually authenticity will sprout. And if you are not authentic, well that’s when things may take a twirl because people that showed you kindness, truth, understanding and care will only feel blindsided when they see the truth. Because people who give authenticity up front don’t change their character. They may find life tugging at them, tired, or snappy, but they stay true to their core values as an individual. The ones hiding in their fears end up trying to take control only because they are afraid. Afraid it won’t work out, or afraid of making the same mistakes, or god forbid getting hurt again. But fears should never stop us. Fears are just excuses that hold us back from living our best life. We don’t owe anyone an explanation for choosing our own happiness. If anyone expects one, sadly, they are trying to control you.
I say stop fucking worrying about everyone else. Go for that job YOU’VE been seeking but to scared of a change. Post the hot selfie YOU feel you look amazing in. Ask the questions you’ve been harboring inside but too afraid of the answers. Have you ever thought maybe you are more afraid of the response? Or the change? Or what people will think of you? Because hate to break it to you, these are all YOUR very own insecurities, no one else’s. Why are we so damn afraid of scenarios that we are building up inside our minds and holding back from our own happiness all because we are afraid of other people’s perceptions? I say fuck em. Dr. Seuss said it perfectly and that will live on forever with me.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
That goes all the way back to grade school. But it’s so true. People make people feel like shit for choosing themselves. People are too damn judgmental and opinionated that good kind people become too damn afraid to be themselves. That’s just another form of control. If you wanna dance in the street, do it. But know the repercussions of possibly getting hit by a car. I mean, after all this life is yours. They don’t say life is short for no reason, it’s true. We only have so much time allotted. Why spend precious minutes making someone else happy if they only take advantage of it? Why cater to the assholes that rob your joy? Why fake it in a marriage just to prove a point to not end up like your parents? Failure is inevitable and so is happiness. But it takes both of those things to make it to the top. That in my case, is a rooftop bar somewhere in Dallas, Texas. And all of my failures, sad and happy moments led me right here to my very own happiness. It isn’t perfectly placed like a chandelier in the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas. Or shiny like the Diamond Ring in the window on Rodeo. My life is far from perfect, but knowing that I am where I want to be, because I chose where I am at, makes all the difference in the world. My world. And that is everything.
Written by: Epiphany Tiffany