Online Dating.
"Online dating helps me meet and breakup with someone without leaving the house" -Covid
I feel this is a subject that has loads of stories and wild experiences. From my own, my girlfriends, and my guy friends, the stories are endless and relentless. And it baffles me why we still put ourselves out there with hope. But we do, because we believe that like our beautiful, talented and amazing selves, there is someone just the same waiting for us. Which I totally believe is true. But this new alternative universe we live in with Covid and all, makes online dating really the only place to meet and greet potentials. So we find ourselves on those apps now more than social media, looking for the one. But is he or she on there? One can only hope so.
The real deal about being single in a pandemic totally sucks. You have soooo much free time to get to know someone on a deeper level, and even more time in the bedroom. While us single folk are over here eating ding dongs and skinny pop like they are carrots all because we are lacking the real vitamin D if you know what I mean. So yeah screw it what’s there to lose? My sensitivity, hope in common decency, and faith in good men maybe? I mean obviously I was quite skeptical about online dating, and now I totally know why.
The real reason we swipe left like 99.9 percent of times is because we are looking for NORMAL. But is normalcy rare? Because how many dudes have to have their catch of the day fishing photo? Or golf poses? Yay! You like to day drink and wear polo’s, no thanks… I’ll hit a drive ball with you any day, but I don’t need to see your staged profile with your deep sea fishing adventures and golf ass stances. Like show me who you are. That smile, what’s hidden underneath that backwards hat. And god forbid, if you have an infant, please don’t like me, I aint trying to be your baby’s mama. JESUS! Gym photos, like dude, it’s totally great you work out and have a nice athletic bod, but I don’t want to see your bulging veins and gains it’s not that hot. Or the dudes with those extreme travel photos, and selfies on some mountain top like he’s the Dolly Llama, gosh are we all striving for perfection? And man... the sleazy sleeve always makes it to the fuck boy hall of fame. I can’t tell you how many times those scoundrels have sleazed their way up my sleeve. I just can’t with you. Like okay, you’re totally hot I get it. We all have a weakness. “Yeah you’re cute, but do you like nature, the stars, evolution, psychology, philosophy, the universe, peace, compassion, raising consciousness, are you with me?" Or did I lose you at sleaze? Probably. Most of them can’t even spell you’re right. And I’m left auto correcting their mindless texts to understand them. Not considering their actual mindless behavior. Their commitment issues, and lack of values. Should’ve known from the meaningless art on their arms to begin with that they weren’t looking for anything serious. Stay away from the fuck boys. They are cute, but the only date they’ll ever take you on is a circus of acrobatic bullshit. RUN. FAST. Because their incapability to develop any type of feelings dumb down your brain cells to actually make you believe you are falling for the guy. Because of his POTENTIAL. Don’t be that girl. Don’t allow yourself to be walked on like some bridge to his fantasies all well he tells you lies to cover up his actions. The only true reason he gets away with this is because of his cute face. Just like cake, looks great but totally not something you should eat every day. They say have a healthy diet for a reason. That’s why I’m so keen on dating someone that makes me feel good, inside and out. Not one way or the other. WHERE ARE YOU NORMAL BEINGS AT?
Shit what happened to just being yourself, that plain normal cute self? When did these online dating apps turn into highlight reels? Like show off your fakeness so you can gain some matches just to make us find out in person that you are NOT who you say you are. And girls, if you want to attract a dude, stop filtering the fuck out of your face and hide your tits a little better so they actually treat you with some respect. Stop with the puppy dog snap chat filters. Unless you are looking for a dog, because trust me, there are plenty of those to swipe right on. Or you might as well date his dog, because I bet his dog will treat you better. Just be your beautiful self. You will attract someone like you by being that. We only attract what we perceive. That’s the real truth of the matter here.
The online dating journey isn’t going to be all rainbows and butterflies either. We have to accept the journey or we will constantly be let down. And damn we sure do have to weed out all of the bad seeds. And trust me, when you finally see someone you like and match with, that’s just the beginning of the shit show. Those awkward conversation starters, like what the fuck do you say? RUN when you get the shirtless selfie from someone you never met, or the continual "let’s meet up" messages. Or GOD forbid those unsolicited dick pics and threesome inquiries like you are on some app called Porn single mingle, NO FUCKING THANKS, Next. I don’t think we are valuing the process as much as we are using these apps for our own selfishness. We are real people behind our photos. We are real humans with feelings, wants, needs, desires and attractions. I think first and foremost we need to figure out WHY we are on there in the first place. And don’t hesitate to be honest to the person we talk to about that. Having an awkward conversation up front can definitely alleviate awkward situations later. Like God, if you are married, don’t you dare even try to persuade me into your fucked up reality. But the sad thing is, there are a lot of married, engaged, and taken people on these apps looking to escape with you from their own reality. RUN. We have to ask the hard questions and lead with our gut and hesitations before we can even think about meeting someone. Here’s some advice. If they don’t give you their last name, or social media profile, Block them. Start with a Face Time date, blame it on Covid. Red flags are always going to be there. We just have to see them. Like you better believe I’m going to be stalking your Insta, Facebook and Googling you. Like before I meet you I’m going to know who the fuck you are before you know I know who the fuck you are. That’s the real deal here.
But seriously, I think the biggest reason I conserve my right swipes is because I’m not looking for drastic, dramatic or high maintenanced men. I’m looking for a normal dude. But if normal was so normal wouldn’t that be ordinary? Are we all either extra ordinary or extra lame? Where is the fine line? The common ground, the middle class person that us decent normal fucking logical human beings are seeking? Does normal even exist? Are we normal humans just lame? Maybe, I don’t get it. But I believe that online dating or not, there is someone out there that will fit into my life. That will meet my standards as a normal, cute, not the Dolly Llama, but decent. Logical. Smart. Nerdy. Funny. Passionate. Caring. Brave. Strong. Adventurous. Food loving. Sports loving. Has hair underneath that backwards hat. Pretty teeth behind that gorgeous smile. A decent fucking job like myself. And mostly more than any of these things, makes me laugh kinda human. So there it is, my why for all whys, he'll outsmart me by being smarter. Challenge me by making me want to be better. And prove my doubts wrong constantly by being consistent. That's it.
Because at the end of the day, we all have a reason and a why for our online dating adventures. I say adventure because man, it’s a wild ride. Ya’ll that have been on it know exactly what I’m talking about. Obviously the ultimate goal should be for a relationship, but in today’s day and age there will always be people corrupting the system. Virtual worlds make anything real less real. It’s so easy to find something you want that way. But staying real and true to yourself by being valuable to yourself and your very own needs and desires will eliminate the online toads seeking hoes. Remember, just because he’s cute doesn’t mean that he’s prince charming. Lock up your zippers and the truth will present itself. I believe that in the right time online or not, you will meet someone and all of the trials and tribulations from the online dating hell will be worth it. Besides, they don’t call someone the one for nothing. Everyone is going to be the same until you find someone that stands out. So don’t give up, or become discouraged when things don’t work out. That’s God telling you, you deserve better. Because we all deserve what’s best for us in this crazy world we live in. Don’t sell yourself short and settle because it’s easier. Shoot for the stars, because who knows your true love could be waiting for you on another planet, because that would totally make sense and explain all of this chaotic madness.
I feel this is a subject that has loads of stories and wild experiences. From my own, my girlfriends, and my guy friends, the stories are endless and relentless. And it baffles me why we still put ourselves out there with hope. But we do, because we believe that like our beautiful, talented and amazing selves, there is someone just the same waiting for us. Which I totally believe is true. But this new alternative universe we live in with Covid and all, makes online dating really the only place to meet and greet potentials. So we find ourselves on those apps now more than social media, looking for the one. But is he or she on there? One can only hope so.
The real deal about being single in a pandemic totally sucks. You have soooo much free time to get to know someone on a deeper level, and even more time in the bedroom. While us single folk are over here eating ding dongs and skinny pop like they are carrots all because we are lacking the real vitamin D if you know what I mean. So yeah screw it what’s there to lose? My sensitivity, hope in common decency, and faith in good men maybe? I mean obviously I was quite skeptical about online dating, and now I totally know why.
The real reason we swipe left like 99.9 percent of times is because we are looking for NORMAL. But is normalcy rare? Because how many dudes have to have their catch of the day fishing photo? Or golf poses? Yay! You like to day drink and wear polo’s, no thanks… I’ll hit a drive ball with you any day, but I don’t need to see your staged profile with your deep sea fishing adventures and golf ass stances. Like show me who you are. That smile, what’s hidden underneath that backwards hat. And god forbid, if you have an infant, please don’t like me, I aint trying to be your baby’s mama. JESUS! Gym photos, like dude, it’s totally great you work out and have a nice athletic bod, but I don’t want to see your bulging veins and gains it’s not that hot. Or the dudes with those extreme travel photos, and selfies on some mountain top like he’s the Dolly Llama, gosh are we all striving for perfection? And man... the sleazy sleeve always makes it to the fuck boy hall of fame. I can’t tell you how many times those scoundrels have sleazed their way up my sleeve. I just can’t with you. Like okay, you’re totally hot I get it. We all have a weakness. “Yeah you’re cute, but do you like nature, the stars, evolution, psychology, philosophy, the universe, peace, compassion, raising consciousness, are you with me?" Or did I lose you at sleaze? Probably. Most of them can’t even spell you’re right. And I’m left auto correcting their mindless texts to understand them. Not considering their actual mindless behavior. Their commitment issues, and lack of values. Should’ve known from the meaningless art on their arms to begin with that they weren’t looking for anything serious. Stay away from the fuck boys. They are cute, but the only date they’ll ever take you on is a circus of acrobatic bullshit. RUN. FAST. Because their incapability to develop any type of feelings dumb down your brain cells to actually make you believe you are falling for the guy. Because of his POTENTIAL. Don’t be that girl. Don’t allow yourself to be walked on like some bridge to his fantasies all well he tells you lies to cover up his actions. The only true reason he gets away with this is because of his cute face. Just like cake, looks great but totally not something you should eat every day. They say have a healthy diet for a reason. That’s why I’m so keen on dating someone that makes me feel good, inside and out. Not one way or the other. WHERE ARE YOU NORMAL BEINGS AT?
Shit what happened to just being yourself, that plain normal cute self? When did these online dating apps turn into highlight reels? Like show off your fakeness so you can gain some matches just to make us find out in person that you are NOT who you say you are. And girls, if you want to attract a dude, stop filtering the fuck out of your face and hide your tits a little better so they actually treat you with some respect. Stop with the puppy dog snap chat filters. Unless you are looking for a dog, because trust me, there are plenty of those to swipe right on. Or you might as well date his dog, because I bet his dog will treat you better. Just be your beautiful self. You will attract someone like you by being that. We only attract what we perceive. That’s the real truth of the matter here.
The online dating journey isn’t going to be all rainbows and butterflies either. We have to accept the journey or we will constantly be let down. And damn we sure do have to weed out all of the bad seeds. And trust me, when you finally see someone you like and match with, that’s just the beginning of the shit show. Those awkward conversation starters, like what the fuck do you say? RUN when you get the shirtless selfie from someone you never met, or the continual "let’s meet up" messages. Or GOD forbid those unsolicited dick pics and threesome inquiries like you are on some app called Porn single mingle, NO FUCKING THANKS, Next. I don’t think we are valuing the process as much as we are using these apps for our own selfishness. We are real people behind our photos. We are real humans with feelings, wants, needs, desires and attractions. I think first and foremost we need to figure out WHY we are on there in the first place. And don’t hesitate to be honest to the person we talk to about that. Having an awkward conversation up front can definitely alleviate awkward situations later. Like God, if you are married, don’t you dare even try to persuade me into your fucked up reality. But the sad thing is, there are a lot of married, engaged, and taken people on these apps looking to escape with you from their own reality. RUN. We have to ask the hard questions and lead with our gut and hesitations before we can even think about meeting someone. Here’s some advice. If they don’t give you their last name, or social media profile, Block them. Start with a Face Time date, blame it on Covid. Red flags are always going to be there. We just have to see them. Like you better believe I’m going to be stalking your Insta, Facebook and Googling you. Like before I meet you I’m going to know who the fuck you are before you know I know who the fuck you are. That’s the real deal here.
But seriously, I think the biggest reason I conserve my right swipes is because I’m not looking for drastic, dramatic or high maintenanced men. I’m looking for a normal dude. But if normal was so normal wouldn’t that be ordinary? Are we all either extra ordinary or extra lame? Where is the fine line? The common ground, the middle class person that us decent normal fucking logical human beings are seeking? Does normal even exist? Are we normal humans just lame? Maybe, I don’t get it. But I believe that online dating or not, there is someone out there that will fit into my life. That will meet my standards as a normal, cute, not the Dolly Llama, but decent. Logical. Smart. Nerdy. Funny. Passionate. Caring. Brave. Strong. Adventurous. Food loving. Sports loving. Has hair underneath that backwards hat. Pretty teeth behind that gorgeous smile. A decent fucking job like myself. And mostly more than any of these things, makes me laugh kinda human. So there it is, my why for all whys, he'll outsmart me by being smarter. Challenge me by making me want to be better. And prove my doubts wrong constantly by being consistent. That's it.
Because at the end of the day, we all have a reason and a why for our online dating adventures. I say adventure because man, it’s a wild ride. Ya’ll that have been on it know exactly what I’m talking about. Obviously the ultimate goal should be for a relationship, but in today’s day and age there will always be people corrupting the system. Virtual worlds make anything real less real. It’s so easy to find something you want that way. But staying real and true to yourself by being valuable to yourself and your very own needs and desires will eliminate the online toads seeking hoes. Remember, just because he’s cute doesn’t mean that he’s prince charming. Lock up your zippers and the truth will present itself. I believe that in the right time online or not, you will meet someone and all of the trials and tribulations from the online dating hell will be worth it. Besides, they don’t call someone the one for nothing. Everyone is going to be the same until you find someone that stands out. So don’t give up, or become discouraged when things don’t work out. That’s God telling you, you deserve better. Because we all deserve what’s best for us in this crazy world we live in. Don’t sell yourself short and settle because it’s easier. Shoot for the stars, because who knows your true love could be waiting for you on another planet, because that would totally make sense and explain all of this chaotic madness.
"Online Dating"
Written by: Tiffany Bales