Trials & Tribulations.
Every time I feel that I’m heading upward towards something great, I find myself back at ground zero. Why do shitty things happen to good people? Does being a kind person make us even more susceptible to being torn down? If that’s the case, why even tell me I have a good heart? Or that I’m kind, sweet and matter? Or the I love you’s told by so many that I could now say that they obviously didn't mean.
Yet here I am yet again, crippled back down in the basement. Breathing in this unclean air as it has me thinking… Perhaps we are just dealt shitty cards in life. Maybe the nicer and happier we are, the more shitty things happen to us. But should that truly ever stop us from being kind?
Nope.
Because through all the shit storms, and I mean loads and loads of crap I’ve been through, I somehow never allow myself to stop smiling.
You wanna know why?
Because I know the things that happen to me are because they need to happen to me. To help me grow, to teach me to be strong. To build me to become a warrior. Because that’s what God built me to be. A strong fucking kind warrior. That’s who I am.
Is it fun being beaten down? Fuck no. I hate every second of the trials that I go through. Always asking those same damn questions. “Why me.” “Why do I have to go through these things?” Telling myself the classic life isn’t fairs. But the answers are never given. They are always proven in time by making me not lose my shit when something else goes wrong. Bringing me some sort of life lesson to do better. Even teaching me patience. Whaaa…
I never want to stop learning. So does that mean I never wanna stop going through bullshit? Fuck no! But I do know that the bullshit is never ever going to stop. Because that’s just life. Life is hard. No one has a perfect silver spoon day to day with no trauma or bullshit. We all do. So instead of sit and wine and cry about the shittiness, or stress making it twenty times worse, accepting it actually makes it a hell of a lot easier. Think about it. Everything has its own way of working out by the end of the day right? So why create more chaos? Do we love drama that much that we create alternative scenarios of doom upon us? I’d hope not. Because a lot of the times when we see chaos, God sees something bigger than us. Maybe the trial feels like treason in our world, but there’s a bigger reason for it. We weren’t made to suffer but we also weren’t made to be in-denial either.
I think sometimes we just have to go through our go through to get through. It isn’t pretty. It’s going to suck. And it’s going to hurt. But nobody can take your lessons away from you.
Life is all about trial and error. Throw in a bit of trauma, heartbreak, happiness, mistakes, good and bad days, and there you have it. What makes all of that shit worth it is the person you are after the first round. And the second round. And third and so fourth. Because the rounds never halt. They just feel easier to manage once you’ve become strong and comfortable enough to sit in the trenches. Because by then you’ve already been there. Think of the trials as a visit back to remind you what you can get through. Because honey, you’ve done it before and you’ll do it again. Don’t block out the shit you are too afraid to face because you know that it’s going to hurt. Weather that storm even if it breaks you apart, you will still smile again.
I’m saying this because I’m sitting in the dirt and it fucking hurts. Being an honest, good hearted person lead me into this cruel bitch of a ditch. It’s not fun to be here. It fucking sucks. But I believe that it’s going to be okay. Because without hope, there is nothing. Hope nourishes the ground that I’m laying on. It will guide me to what I need to survive. Hope leads me to believe that the trials and tribulations I am facing right now will guide me to peace. They will teach me new things and build me up stronger than I ever was before. God said, trust in my plan.
For the things I have for you are much bigger than yours. I have to believe that. We have got to believe in something. Or succumb to the darkness of evil and depression.
No fucking thank you.
Nothing will stop me. Nothing will knock me down off of my feet longer than I need to be. Because I will get back up and stand tall every single time. I will overcome this because I believe in faith and hope, and love, and damnit, in ME. Nobody can take that from me. And that’s why I smile. That’s why I have no problem admitting my failures. As they always humble me back to reality. We can sit and ask why me, or not believe them when they say I love you. We can develop cold hearts from our hurts and become bitter. Or we can build each block thrown at us as a step up towards our strength. We hold the power inside ourselves and have God to back us up, each and every time. Worry and fear, all that does is take us to alternative universes inside our minds to escape ourselves from the reality of our pain. But facing the scares and the reality of our trauma will bring us through it, so we can truly conquer and heal fully.
As hard as this is writing as I am sitting in the midst of my own fury, I can still smile instead of cry. But when I need to cry I will let the tears fall. For I am not afraid to face this. I know that I am in this moment for a reason, but this pain will never damper my grace.
“This too shall pass.”
Lincoln said it, so I better fucking believe it.
Written by: Epiphany Tiffany