Blast From The Past

This happens to ALL of us. 

The hey remember me, or hey how’ve ya been messages from an old fling sliding back into our dms. Because let’s face it, they are probably still blocked elsewhere. So they slither on back into one of your social apps thinking they are some Greek god and you should be flattered. When instead you wanna throw up because all of the crap that you allowed them to put you through is replaying back into your mind. You forgot about that shit when you hit the block button two fucking years ago! But thanks for the shitty refresher. It baffles me to think these jerks really believe after so much time has past that they can just blast right back. Like in their pea brains they didn’t use you, or treat you poorly, or for fucks sake, haven’t even spoken to you for TWO YEARS. Let that be a damn reminder that maybe they should’ve kept it that way. But they don’t, and it’s for one simple thing. To see if you are still as dumb as they remember. To blast back to the past to do the same shit again. They haven’t changed. Do not entertain! I repeat do not engage in this mindless bullshit. Because all that’s going to happen is, the SAME FUCKING THING! If he used you and made you feel like shit then, he will do it again. Why do that to yourself? 

The truth is…we have all been there before. I mean I’m not sitting here speaking this for nada. I myself have circled back and got blasted by the past. It’s a simple fucking fact. They don’t miss you. They want someone as dumb as you were. They think if they got away with it once, they can do it again. Because letting someone treat you like shit, even if it was just for a month or two, you still let them. That’s exactly why they do it. These heathens slide into those dms thinking you haven’t grown or changed. But who the fuck stays the same after two years? THEM! Hell, every time I got ghosted by someone, they waited a fucking year to return. Who do they think that they are? The fucking sun and I’m just another planet in orbit circling around waiting for them to come back? Thinking they can just put me back on rotation. No fucking thanks! 

But the sad truth is, I’ve failed that test. I allowed people back in with hope that they’ve changed. We all have. That is the problem. People LIE. Anyone can pretend they are different just to get what they want from you. It’s easy, my girl Taylor Swift said, “I’ll find out what you want and be that girl for a month, but then the worst is yet to come.” Oh no!  Because the roses turn into thorns and ya find yourself back in the soil. The same damn soil that you guys laid on from the beginning. You know where he lied, used and mistreated you. Don’t let that shit happen twice. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me! That goes all the way back to elementary. Don’t let some jerk you fell for slither back into your amazing garden. Throw some salt on that snail and move forward, not backwards. Because people who leave in the worst possible ways, always leave for a reason. Never to come back! If timing isn’t right, I get that, but respect doesn’t magically reappear. Once that shits gone, you can’t get it back. I say this with all the love and grace in the world. And yes, you might be thinking hey Epipha Tiff, sometimes it does work out, and people really do change. But that shit will show if it’s really real. Time tells all truths. So don’t you fret one pretty little bit.

Take it from me. A woman who has been on that orbitual rotation of that beautiful star I magnetically drifted towards. He may have sucked me in, and man he really did suck. But that was just it, he always sucked me back in. He wasn’t a sun! He was more like a black hole! It wasn’t a peaceful stroll with magical views. It always looks pretty from the outside, but once you fall for their lies they will keep lying to you. Sadly, I still fell for the sleaze. Every time I questioned his efforts I got blamed. Like I was the vicious soul attacking him. Pathetic I know. My kind heart didn’t know what the fuck was happening. It was pure and all I felt was sad and hurt when that happened. I didn’t know then that I was just another girl in orbit amongst twelve fucking others. I wasn’t special. But I was cooking meals for him to take for lunch. Giving my body, heart and safe space for him to just take advantage of. Making him feel special. Giving myself monogamously. Believing him when he called me babe, beautiful and sweetheart. Yea I bet I was. I didn’t realize his actions didn’t line up with his words. I don’t speak lies, so why would anyone else? That was the plot twist reality I sadly had to figure out for myself. Just because I am a kind hearted loving person, doesn’t mean everyone deserves that piece of me. Yet those girlfriend benefits he still received just by painting pretty words. I was the fool kissing him goodbye, standing in my front doorway with a blanket wrapped around my naked self. He left knowing the truth. While I went to bed smiling. Douche. Had I known the truth, I would’ve cried myself to sleep and got over it. I wouldn’t have allowed someone so horrible into my safe space. But that’s the issue. I let him. So whose really at fault here? I always blame myself for believing liars pretty lies. For not seeing the red flags. For not seeing that all he wanted from me was, literally and physically me. Not who I am, or who we could have become. He never had intentions on a future. He only made me believe there was hope with the words that fell so easily off of the lies that he spoke. Like if you are a fucking asshole, just admit it. Be straight forward. I much rather would’ve respected you for being an honest dick, than finding out the truth for myself later on after those feelings developed. But that’s the thing, once those feelings come out, they reel themselves backwards and say “ I never wanted a relationship, I told you that” no asshole I don’t read minds. Besides, why be on a dating app if you are only looking for sex? Call up a fucking hooker, or go to Vegas or something for that. Seriously it’s like $100 for a happy ending! But it happens. And we nice girls always fall for it. Taking us about a month to move on. Feeling so damn proud of ourselves for taking out the trash! Then one random ass day, you’re folding laundry and hear your phone ring thinking it’s just your mom, but it’s not. It’s him. Crawling back out of the trash. Slithering his way back with those fucking words. “How’ve you been.” Because let’s face it, they always come back! But those dudes have a reputation and it’s called fuck boy for a reason. 

Every fuck boy situation I was in always circled back. I’ll admit it, I got excited the first couple of times. Thinking aww he really misses me. Believing he really wanted to know how I’ve been. I guess when you decipher those words from a fuck boys mouth they really mean, “hey you still down to fuck.” They don’t care how you really are. They just want to know that they can still slide on in, if ya know what I mean. Blasting back from the past just to repeat the same damn madness you had to walk away from in the first place. But there he was, looking so damn sexy, and that kindness I had towards him was all it took for him to slither his way back in. But damn. If you play stupid games, you’ll win stupid prizes. That I sure did. But this time, it didn’t take as long for myself to realize that nothing had changed. Until he was finally blocked again. Why was I so upset at myself for believing the same lies? Fuck I really tried, but I don’t regret anything for that. I may have learned a few things from that situation…to put other dudes on my very own rotation. But two wrongs are never equivalent to what’s right. 

Besides, having all these guys texting me at once was fun for awhile. I sure fucking felt special then. I figured the difference was I was honest with them from the get go. I didn’t pretend to want a relationship, call them baby, or let them into my safe space for that matter. I wasn’t cooking for them, or giving any of them the real deal Tiff. It was easy and casual, and they knew that. When one of them told me he liked liked me, I had a clear conversation about where I was and how I didn’t feel the same. Communicating the truth. My truth. It does suck to hurt feelings, but at least I was honest. That kept respect a factor. We are still friends to this day because we never lost that. I had no motive. No big bad intentions behind my words. Hell, if you wanna put me on rotation, fucking say it. At least that way I can decide if that’s what I want. Not to be blindsided when some girl is messaging me telling me that she’s your wife! But it’s frowned upon when women act like men. Dudes do it all the time and lie about it. But that only taught this kind woman that this kind of thing is okay. When it isn’t. Because I felt like shit when I had to let down dudes because I wasn’t ready for what they wanted. Or even worse when the first one on my rotation wasn’t into me anymore. It’s all bullshit. Because being a decent fucking human is all that matters. And sometimes we fall into a couple of dudes or gals that we like at the same time. But knowing what we want and clearly communicating just that is what’s merely decent. Because dating is okay. Especially if it’s to figure out what the fuck we want. But on the bachelor or not, sleeping with multiple people you are telling the same lies to is never okay. Putting people on a rotation and circling around back to each one every few months or years is not okay. Keeping people on a leash is not okay. Because those people deserve to find the person that is right for them. And how the fuck are they going to find that by wasting time thinking about you? 

These days, I’m like, if it ain’t a fuck yes I’m not about it. Like, fuck yes I want to see you! Or fuck yes I want to go on a date with you! Fuck yes I want to see you again. That’s my kinda vibe. I want to be the same way about someone else. Like, fuck yes I want him to pick me up at seven. Or fuck yes I want to get dolled up for him. Life is too short for the simply okays. But sometimes we aren’t sold. That still doesn’t mean ya gotta lie about it. Or god forbid find yourself back in the same damn black hole again. Why crawl back into something you sweated balls just to get out of? Is the risk really worth the reward? Sometimes it is. I get it. You can’t help what your heart craves. But sometimes our hearts can fuck up our mental health when we follow it. And sometimes the shit that broke our hearts, opens our eyes. We just never know what’s going to happen. But by staying kind and true to yourself, you’re already half way there. Not backwards. Because who the fuck really wants to take that route anyway? Unless I’m on the ride Superman at Six Flags free falling at a very fast speed for a thrill, count me out of the next rotation please. Thanks. 

Now, I’ll always hit those breaks and turn a whole different direction when those ghosts blast back from the past. Because I am not the same girl I once was. I may have made mistakes. Some may have even been repeated multiple times thanks to immaturity. Naive girls will believe anything you say to them. I may have been blinded by the same damn sun that had already blinded me before. They do say not to stare at the sun for a reason. It will always burn you if you get too close. But it’s also essential in this life. That Vitamin D is good for my sanity. Sort of like those dudes that blasted me taught me very hard yet essential life lessons. Those fools will always try to come back. Because deep down, they know my worth. But they will never be able to cash it in because they are fucking cheap. Ego always likes a challenge, that’s why they do it. But you see now honey, I know my worth too. Unlike before. And a woman who knows her worth is dangerous to those old flings. Because while they try to come back, she will rise like the morning sun, and later in the night the moon will put her to back to sleep. And days will pass but you won’t hear back a thing. You never will. Because after all she’s conquered and healed through, she’ll never ever, ever, ever, make the same mistakes twice. 

“Blast from the Past”
Written truthfully by: Epiphany Tiffany