Harbored Hurt.

It’s easier to dismiss our pain by pretending it doesn’t exist. I mean, we all do it. But the issue with this temporary fix is, by dismissing our pain we aren’t actually dismissing our pain. What we are actually doing is placing our pain down to the very bottom of our emotional priority list because we don’t want to make any effort to deal with it. We end up harboring it down to the very bottom layer of our emotional scale until the next time we face any type of hurt. Doing it over again, creating a pattern of more layers of hurt. AKA harboring our hurts, until we have these layers of unresolved damage all because we simply did not want to face them. Until one day trauma strikes us, and we are dead end into an emotional rock bottom. Left stranded with all of our rotten onion layers of hurt staring at us with nowhere to run.

You see when we get hurt, we put a band-aid over it, keep calm and carry on. Repeating this for decades until we are adults realizing we have deep rooted layers of hurt. But only because we harbored those feelings verses healing them. Like when our lives seem perfect. We have the house, the wife, the car,  Americas dream. Or maybe just a decent job and mediocre career that pays the bills, but still able to afford that bad ass Traeger BBQ or 65 Camaro. I mean we like what we like. Yet somehow we find ourselves being judgmental, or caring more about other people’s lives. Comparing our very own. Why can’t I be like that? Why, why, why, why, why! Those damn whys can and will bury you alive. Because the whys begin first by questioning other peoples decisions and choices that you emotionally harbored yourself. Because each and every time you didn’t heal what hurt you by harboring it, while burying your hurts, you bury a piece of yourself along with it. Until one day, you don’t even recognize yourself. You become somebody you don't even want to be around. Which I call lost, but a lot of us don't even realize we are in an emotional rut. Because all our lives we were built to hide from our feelings. To not speak the truth. To cover it up until you fit in with society. Or you could be like me, and speak up to someone who dismissed my feelings because they were to drunk and selfish to ever notice nor care. But either way, you still swept the dirt and the hurt under the rug by pretending you were happy. But just because everybody else thinks that you are, doesn't mean that you actually are. Meaning, when you do this, you create an alternative mental escape AKA mindscape. Why live in a mindscape when you can live in reality? The issue is, to many people are afraid to face anything real. Gosh what is so wrong with facing our truth, our fears, our wants, our emotions and damn it, our desires? WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING AUTHENTIC?

Because harboring our feelings and hurts can cause more self damage than healing could ever harm us at all. But when we are living in a mindscape, we tend to fulfill our desires inside of our minds, not our actual lives. Cause lets be real, nobody wants to do the work it takes to get to an actual utopia. Which in contrary, all it really takes is facing the aches. But who really wants to choose to be unhappy just to be happy? The truth is, regardless, you will always be unhappy if you settle in unhappiness by believing that someday you are going to wake up and just be happy. That's a lie. Because you are only lying to yourself if you really believe that. You don't just wake up one day in Arcadia. Unless you actually live in Arcadia, you got to work your ass off to get there, nothing in life comes easy. Just like if you are constantly living in hell, it's not going to freeze over someday just for you. You gotta get the hell outta hell if you want anything but that. That's by facing the reality of your truths and your wants. But sometimes, like myself, you are forced to thanks to trauma. I mean I kind of took the first step on my own, then tip toed in the safe zone of my comfort. Gluing myself to the only thing that I thought would heal me. But the truth is, the only thing that was going to do that was the total opposite. I didn't know then that freeing myself from what could break me, would actually break me, but in the long run, recreate me. I believe when trauma hits us, it forces us to dig deep down to unlayer our harbored hurts just to heal them, which in return only helps to fully heal ourselves. 

I only know this because I had to face every single one of my rotten layers of emotional damage when trauma struck me. Although I wanted to sit with the stench because it felt like getting up was irrelevant. But I didn't know then that I was being brave for hitching myself to that healing horse that dragged me through the rough meadows towards "the heals". But dropping me off at my metaphorical therapists front door step is what saved me. Because they forced me to face my feelings. Healing is just feeling. Simple as that. Gosh. I see myself two years ago and I remember the aftermath of damage I sat with. I didn't want it. I didn't want to face the pain that was tragically forced upon me. It was like a concrete curve ball hit me, knocked me down and changed my entire life. What a way to go down. But somethings you can't run from. That's why I say when trauma strikes, it forces us to heal. Because to live inside the dumpster of our trials and trauma actually kills our souls while our bodies slowly deteriorate alive. That's no way to live. We don't know where life is going to take us, but to die while we are alive, that's just a pure selfish way to go out. Honestly, settling in trauma never ends well. So I had a choice, a fork in the road type of moment, that only lead me to cry for days, drink bottles of wine, and sob puddles of tears that probably could've created a small lake somewhere in the city. But truthfully that was all I needed to just be present. To not live in some mindscape to escape from my dreary reality. By actually feeling the hurt, and feeling the lowest of all lows that felt like an emotional rock bottom feeling was actually healing. But the funny thing is, I wasn't angry, okay, maybe I was at first, but I wasn't going to allow myself to become bitter. Although looking back now, I probably was, so whoever I was rude to, I apologize for that. But you see, now I notice. I notice broken people because I was broken. So it hits a soft spot inside of me. I have picked up those pieces, but it’s hard to be humble when we are living inside of hurt. And that's okay. Do whatever you need to do to heal. Even if it's crying with a best friend, drinking a few bottles of wine, and falling asleep in the local bathroom bar, the day you found out the love of your life got married after a horrific traumatic event just a few months prior to that. I mean, we all have hard days right? 

I think the true test to our character isn't when we are in an emotional rock bottom, it's what we do when we come out of it. Because I will never forget how low I once was. It was as if each layer of hurt slowly unraveled, and like a kid I wanted to run from the deep dark hurt, but I didn't. I stood there. I faced it head on. I recognized. I cried. I talked about it. All of that brought it out of me until I finally accepted the reality of my hurts, and it slowly drifted away from me as time passed. I believe by being present each and every day, no matter what shit storms pass through, even if we're ducking for cover yelling fuck off, as long as it doesn't kill us, facing it makes us human. Putting the suit on, scared to death, running straight towards the unknown anyway, makes us brave. Either way, we're still weathering a storm, not just hunkering down or running and hiding from it. We will never know if it will kill us or heal us. Hell, maybe a bit of both. But true heartbreak is like death. It kills the hurt inside of us, just to heal us. With that comes grief. Ignoring our biggest hurt is only fatal to our inner beings. We got to fight for our hearts and our souls. Because if we don't, we will never have a voice, or a choice, or that thing that makes us exactly who we are. We were not built to be the same. We were built handcrafted. One of a kind badasses. Gosh if we were all the same, it would be kinda like the world is going today. Sad, bitter, and broken. We can't sink when we need to stand tall. Our lives and our hearts depend on it. "Sometimes God will put a Goliath in front of you, just to find the David inside of you." I read that and it made me realize, as small as we are, we got to fight for what's right. Sometimes the righteous thing is the hardest thing. For me, it was letting go of every single layer of hurt buried inside of me, just to finally be free.

I shine my light in my own direction now. After all of the crap, I'm living heartbreaking proof that it gets better. I'm still riding solo, but have a lot of people that I love in my life. But being in love isn't what saved me. God saved me. I just had to choose myself enough so I could learn to fall in love with me. The journey has been a journey. But I am thankful and grateful for what these past few years have taught me. I've learned a lot about myself, actually liking myself more everyday until I'm like damn, you're pretty cool to be around. If you can sit and have a beer with yourself, without crying yourself to sleep and passing out drunk on a bar stool, I'd say you're on the right path towards healing. I never thought by facing my feelings that I would end up where I'm at, but I know one thing is certain, I will never not face my feelings or fears again. The other side of hurt and pain is actually not as scary as you think. I mean, there is merit to why they say there is a rainbow after every storm. That's why I'll always face the shit storms, at least I'll have something cool to look at afterwards. I mean it sure beats the hell out of the agony of the never ending whys and wasted times hoping to wake up happy someday without doing a damn thing about it. I'll always wake the fuck up. We gotta face our fears, and step outta comfort to find actual comfort. But most of all, we got to be unhappy in the most uncomfortablest way to find true happiness. Don't live unhappily comfortable by settling for less than what you truly desire. Life is to short for that. Time isn't allotted back. You won't just wake up someday and be happy. You will wake up regretting all of those years you layered harbored hurts by looking back at someone your reflection doesn't even know. Carrying every single ounce of hurt on your back becoming numb, drunk and lost. You will continue to live that way until you finally decide to choose you. I only know this because that was me. 

Written truthfully & beautifully by Epiphany Tiffany