Veteran of Heartache

Is it maturity, or five heartbreaks that make us braver for the next? Are we numb? Are we just jaded? Or are we really that much wiser due to all of our tragical ending experiences. Can we really smell bullshit from a mile away? Or is it self-fulfilling prophecies that keep us reliving the same cliches? Is our prior experience in love failures causing us to steer clear from love altogether, because we are afraid to lose again? Or are we truly that good at detecting future failures. I know I have truly learned a lot from my priors. But what if the common denominator is always THEIR insecurities…not mine.. Am I at failures fault for being secure with myself? For loving purely? For being a damn good woman? Not one bit. But I will say, my reactions when the mask comes off aren’t always charismatically chipper. When Prince Charming himself suddenly becomes the wicked dragon how else would any princess react? 

The issue here is, we are all good women. We don’t want to believe the man that we fell in love with is capable of shooting fire out of his ass, okay, mouth to hurt us. Everything from that magical moment you fell in love he did do with his mouth had no inclination towards the damn torch. Sure, it was hot as fuck, but no literal flames like that. It was the damn bliss that twisted your damn brain into believing he was heaven sent. But ladies.. just cause a man takes us to heaven doesn’t mean he’s an angel. Demons come knocking when you’re down, and they show up looking like everything you’ve ever wanted just to distract you from God. I cannot say this enough. When you pray for answers, they will come to you directly from God. Not the other way around. So, if you have been praying for the man of your dreams, he will come to you with your eyes full of discernment. Not fog your mental lenses with the joys of pleasure. Yes, falling in love feels so amazing. Everything that comes with that blood rush is overwhelming and overstimulating. It can be hard to distinguish. Maybe you don’t see it now, but the devil strikes us while we are down and out. He aims his shot in the midst of heartache while grief takes over our hearts. I cannot tell you how many times I have been sad over a breakup and ALWAYS meet a hotter than my ex, type of dude. I call them rebounds. But how many of us truly end up marrying that guy? I’m sure statistically speaking the odds are rarely low. But that’s just it. We have a crack in our faith and bam.. the devils looking hotter than Tyler Durden with his shirt off begging to take you to dinner, with a pretty promise you’ll get dessert. Til suddenly you're fooled into believing that this guy is somebody you think you even like. Only because "he was there for you during heartache" WOW... The devil is a sneaky fucker. Cause once that rebound ends, you're back to ground zero. Still crying over your ex, only this time without the hottie propping you up on his pedestal wiping those tears away. They are just emotional Band-Aids. Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes. It was all a distraction to keep you lurking in your hurting. That's what Satan wants. No resolution, no healing, no understanding. 

So, I took a real look at my true heartbreaks, and the actual common denominator is my place in life when we met. Where was Tiff emotionally and mentally when she met her prince? Well, the first two, I was extremely young and dumb. I can say that. Being naive is valid when you are truly naive. Lack of any experience can definitely lead you to heartache. Lack of experience can also get you pregnant and locked in for life. Yet somehow you break out and find yourself in a midlife crisis running back to your childhood to seek comfort. The issue there is, again, you are a wreck of a mess reeling in the devil dressed up as your first love all because he knew you’d take the bait. People don’t just fall in love when they are going through the trauma of legal separation. Honey, look at that situationship with discernment and you will see that you were searching for some type of superman to rescue you from a failed marriage. Nothing looks hotter in that moment than the first person to ever steal your heart. Maybe the issue is, when in pain, we seek comfort. We want someone to hold us and tell us it is going to be okay. Smells like rebound to me...So, we seek validation in that. Leading us down ricochet lane. Which in turn is only a distraction to help us forget the real pain we are actually dealing with. It’s all in the proper stages of the grief cycle. I call it a natural trauma response. But no one wants to accept that this grief relief is mere temporary. Or flown in with the wind of dark forces. But I do believe some love is truly heaven sent. 

Sometimes, we do get blessed with true love from God. Those moments speak volumes and overwhelm our hearts and lives for goods sake. I felt that. I just knew. Synchronicities overwhelmed me as if our souls already met. It felt like a meaningful coincidence. But just as God brings you the gift of love, he can also remove it when it becomes wrecked by the damn desperado himself. It's the continual battle of good versus evil. Sometimes the wicked takes over your karmic lover, and God may have brought you to them, just to help heal them. Maybe you were brought to those relationships to be a bridge, but they became your burden. The last thing God wants is the enemy to take you. Although he knows the enemy could merely distract you, as you are one of gods weapons. But in those god loving relationships, people have free will. And your heart gets broke when they choose their damn demons over your love and loyalty. But if he brought you to it, he will get you through it. You have to believe that. I will never look at my failed relationships as my very own failures. As I loved full heartedly. I gave my all and as hard as the trials and tribulations were, I never succumbed to the enemy. Although, my lovers did, and I might've become the worst version of myself in the process. Being dragged through hell because I didn't want to let go of something I loved so much. Somehow God gave me the strength to keep going. I will never blame myself for that. Maybe I am still a little broken, but I am facing it properly. She'll be back. As a veteran of heartache has significant experience and expertise in emotional anguish and grief, typically caused by the loss or absence of someone loved.  So, we can remember the way it was, or the way it ended. We all have that choice. To miss and reminisce. Or be bitter and mad. Just as fear and faith are both believing in things you cannot see. So you choose. 

I believe we all have a purpose. Sometimes, I think that my heartache is a prodigy. I see how it shaped me. That strength clothed over me to bear burdens that I never thought I’d be able to tolerate. Maybe that’s what makes me a veteran after all. Turning my pain into strength. Strength to make better choices. Strength to be there for others going through their hurricanes. Strength to tell myself it will be okay. Strength to know I cannot fight those battles on my own. Strength to ask God for help when I don’t have the agility. Strength to trust my intuition. Strength to trust my hesitance. We all have initial intuitional hesitance when it comes to something that isn’t good for us. We tend to overlook the flaws and warnings because we are human. We love a little risk. It keeps us on our toes, and it makes us feel alive. But heartache shouldn’t be put up on the thrill-seeking board. Proverbs 4:23, states, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” and it’s so true. Maybe part of being a heartache vet is going through enough heartbreak to learn to finally protect it. Just like our bodies. I’m not out there throwing myself at every potential orgasm that strolls through. Although multiple orgasms sound ideal. Our bodies our sacred and so are our hearts. That’s what makes heart break hurt. As we handed them over to someone, we truly thought we could trust them with. Sadly, humans fizzle and flop. We live. We learn and we fail over and over again. The next person you give yourself to, you’ll always be a little more guarded with. Trust is earned, not blindly given. The naive girl doesn't truly know that yet. But she's going to learn. Words don't mean shit. I believe in plans over promises. Maybe I'm a tad bit skeptic from my past experiences. I swear if my voice ever changes around a dude, and gets all uppity, punch me in the tit. Because smitten is overrated. No dude is going to swoon me with his bullshit. I don't' care if you live in your head. It isn't my responsibility to dissect your brain. Ya'll need to learn to communicate properly or it's like Ari said... thank u, next. Like, you better just be a decent human, I could give two shits about your beautiful mirage if it's just a facade. But I don't fret, cause just like the sun, the truth always rises. I have full faith in that. Honestly, I cannot do it on my own. Without God my heartache is merciless. With God, my heartache isn’t nonexistent. But with him I will always somehow make it through. For that is what keeps me hopeful in my faith for love in my future. Maybe those heartbreaks never were because of me. Maybe God used me to teach them. Maybe I had to go through my trials to build my trust in him. Maybe those true heartbreaks were heaven sent after all. Maybe all that love and loss was a gift from above. As for a moment in time, I felt real true love. For no horned entity can ever bring you that. 

Looking back at it now, I can see the full circle wisely. The growth. The healed woman that once called herself a failure. For without failure there is no proof of progress. We never truly fail by trying. And I will always try. I’m a fighter, a doer, a lover. I never give up without giving it my all. Maybe that’s my problem after all. Sure, maybe I did put all my efforts into dead ends. Like that little mouse that keeps heading south when God keeps picking him back up and placing him north, that keeps running back south. I will still shine my light wherever I am. I will always go for the hit whenever I’m at bat. Whether I strike out or knock it outta the park, well, fate determines that. Some seasons aren’t our titles to win. Yes, says the Cowboys fan. Life always has a way of humbling us. The divine will always guide. Whether I am a veteran or a probie, heartache is still inevitable. We can’t predict the future, we can only hope we learn from our fails to decipher the wolves dressed up as kings. Until one day the red flags will look a lot less green. You’ll be the one saying no thanks. Then you’ll look up to your higher power and smile with conformity because you got that overwhelming feeling knowing it’s all because you fucking learned something. And that's what makes you a veteran. 

"Veteran of Heartache"

Written by: Epiphany Tiffany