The Breakup Grief
They say that the rear view mirror is smaller than the windshield because what’s in front of you is more important than what’s behind, but when you’re en route to a progressive direction somehow you seem to focus on what you’re leaving behind. And while moving forward you find yourself looking back only because it’s comforting, but you don’t stop or turn around because you know going backwards will not take you to your next journey. And that journey happens the second you finally totally and completely allow your heart to heal. But in order to do that you got to get through the hardest part yet. The breakup grief. And grief happens in stages, only teaching us how to heal. So breakup grief works the same way, only to help you fully recuperate from the unbelievable breakup. The one that broke you into pieces only for you yourself to pick up. And that's when all the stages start to begin.
The 5 Stages of Break Up Grief:
Stage #1 Heartbreak.
To get through all the stages of breakup grief, unfortunately begins with heartbreak, and that part is the worst. It’s like death without dying. You feel like your entire life crumbles down onto the ground, except there you are still put together on the outside, but to have to keep going. You can't just give up on life just because someone gave up on you. Which is terrible, unfair and life shattering, because everything reminds you of that person. So you try to do everything in your power to keep them, but you can’t control it. You learn that quickly. You are sad, and it shows, but life goes on, and you start to go through the motions. For weeks. I think you don’t even leave the house because you are kind enough to not bring others down with your own self-pity. But your mom, because let’s face it, is the only person who still loves you when you go through trials and tribulations, or death without dying, is the only one there for you. She even forces you to go to a baseball game, and you decide to go because you are starting to feel confident because of all the weight you lost in the breakup, that you actually attract someone totally attractive. And it makes you feel good, and that begins stage two of this tragic healing process- the rebound revenge.
Stage #2 Rebound Revenge
You want to do this with someone totally hot, and out of your league, and somehow you get him to ask you on a date, and you are so wrapped up in your break up grief that you actually believe you like the poor guy. When in reality, you truly don’t. This stage is pointless, because a. You either end up in another fucked up relationship, because you can’t stand the thought of being alone because of that grief. Or b. Back to ground one. The hurt doesn't go away in this phase; it is only numbed by another man’s touch. When you finally wake up and realize this isn’t okay, because not only everyone around you is telling you, or the fact that even the hot dude himself is by saying he’s seeing other people, and that sex is just sex, something finally clicks. But that’s just the grief of this rebound revenge telling you that you just wish you could run into your ex with this guy. Because he is extremely attractive, saves lives, and is everything your ex isn’t. Let’s face it, you need someone to help you get over him, and this guy sure does. You know you need someone to distract your heart, and he is perfect for just that. Distraction, but he’s not the one. Because you cannot meet Mr. Right while you are healing from Mr. Wrong. And you might have to go through a few more Mr. Wrongs before you meet Mr. Right. But that doesn’t make you a terrible person, you are just dealing with healing, and that can take a few distractions. Don’t beat yourself up when those distractions get distracted. They fade out, because they aren’t yours to keep. Only there for you to rebound off of. Don’t be fooled by his charm either, because he’s only looking for a good time. But remember SO ARE YOU. Don’t get upset when it ends. Because if you do, and because of your good heart you probably will, you are going to be back at stage one, heart break. But it’s not over the rebound. You’re still one hundred percent in your grief and what you are feeling my darling is still the heartbreak from your ex. Because distraction only helps initially mask the hurt, but it does lead you to the next stage, which as hard as it is, is still progress. That’s when the anger begins.
Stage #3 Anger and Resentment.
You become angry, because you thought someone else could actually take that pain away verses healing before you rush into something on your own. I mean, how could you have even seen the signs, you weren’t fully healed and you were still living in the breakup grief to even think clearly right? You become angry with everything, life, yourself for allowing what you did. Believing in a distraction, hating and resenting your ex, blaming them for your rebounding actions. You feel helpless, hopeless, and aren’t sad anymore, you're just mad.
Luckily anger is a quick stage but it sure takes a toll, you almost lose the only people who are there for you, and even they are starting to get sick of you. But you know you are better than becoming bitter, so you snap out of the anger, and accept what is, that’s stage four. Acceptance.
Stage #4- Acceptance.
You realize that you have no control over anything other than your own choices, decisions and reactions. So you pick yourself up, and decide that it’s time to allow life to happen, when it’s supposed to happen. You learn that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be. But also, acceptance is where you come to terms about everything, and this can also cause a setback. By coming to terms with reality, and accepting what is, it forces you to take a look back. Not to go back, not because that’s even what you want anymore. You’ve been through way too much to do that. It’s more of a confirmation that you did the right thing, or the person that hurt you did as well. So part of you might want to tell them, or even thank them. And that’s when you need to really think about reacting to this emotion. Acceptance is so powerful, don’t allow this progress to take you back, this is the fork in the road, don’t allow it to keep you at the stop. You have become strong and have your control back, don’t cave into any force that tries to pull you backwards. Because once you accept, chances are, that hurt knows you are healed, and a lot of the times, it tries to keep you hurt, so it will take you back out of spite. Not love. DON’T FALL FOR IT. Keep moving forward, and accept the truth of the reality, not the falseness of a lie. When you do that, it’s truly something you have been waiting for. You finally feel alive again. For once, you don’t want anyone to fill that void because it’s gone. Your heart may have a bruise, but its mended. And you have accepted that you have finally made it through. You only look back in this stage because you finally have a level head, so by looking back it allows you to see all the areas you never did before, and this will only help you in your future relationships. Because by seeing the realness with clarity, you finally can see the truth. It may sting, I never said acceptance feels good. You might even be upset with yourself because clarity isn’t hidden or masked with a lie, it’s real, its harsh and it’s not always pretty. So don’t let this affect how far you have come, because realization can bring out so many emotions. This when you have to be the strongest. You let one emotion or feeling come out, you can open a ballpark of reactions. Being strong and not sinking into these feelings that are overpowering you, will help you get to the next stage, and that my darling is pure happiness, by feeling empowered and ready for something real.
Stage#5 Empowered and Ready.
You made it through the hardest stage of all, acceptance, you almost sank, but you trucked through the mud gracefully and came out with a smile. You are so proud of yourself for not only recognizing your flaws, and accepting them, but by finding yourself through it. You belong to you. You are in charge of your life, your heart, your soul and your fire. No one can take that from you ever again. You see that now. You see that if someone wants to hurt you, you have no problem letting them go. You have this pure smile that no one put on your face, only you. You feel thankful, you feel happy and you feel in charge. It’s so empowering. You can probably do anything in this stage because not only is the hurt gone, you don’t even care when you see the idiot driving, because nothing reminds you of them anymore, you are golden. You are ready for what’s to come, and anything you do now, isn’t because of the hurt. It’s because you feel brand new, and you are ready and open for anything. The possibilities may be endless, and you might make a few mistakes, but you will never allow yourself to be treated the way you did by the person that hurt you, or anyone ever again. Yes, darling, we are beautiful and we are human, we might fall for a few beasts who seem trustworthy, or gorgeous with light eyes, and beautiful lies. But because of what we have gone through before, we won’t allow it to shake us one bit. We see it now. We see the truth in a lie. We have learned. We are smarter and braver and don’t settle for bullshit. We can see it now. And even if the hottest guy tries to play games, we don’t roll the dice. We know better. I know better. Sure it’s okay to have a little fun, to allow yourself to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince, but you won’t ever fall for the frog, because you know better than too now. You got through all of the hurt by healing properly, and you allowed yourself to go through the hurt and the trials to come out of it alive. Not broken. You had to feel the hurt, in order to heal. You aren’t afraid to let go or to move forward. Yes, you are a perfect case of heartbreak, but it only shaped you. The Grief only rebuilt your heart to someday love again. That is what brings you pure happiness, because your heart is revived. And you have come full circle, out of the breakup grief.
These five stages are crucial, and one day you’ll wake up, and you won’t think or feel that hurt that you thought killed you. You'll realize it killed that part of you; the part of them that lived inside of you is dead, not you. You fully grieved, and maybe sometimes they will still cross your mind, but it won’t hurt you anymore. Because you are healed. You will smile for the lessons it taught you, and be thankful it did because you wouldn’t be where you are now.
Yes, breakups are hard. They are life changing. Just like death. That’s why I believe with all my heart that there are stages to grieve through them, and we shouldn’t ever hide from the stages of it. Pawning off grief is fatal. So either way, when you break up or learn that a person is toxic in your life, you don’t have a choice to keep them. You cannot force someone to love you, or force them to stay. So to isolate yourself, or to hold on is only going to keep you from living. Killing yourself with ongoing emotions, verses killing the relationship. Trust me, if you can find one ounce of self-worth, you can do this, I did. I believe in you, and I believe that in order to find your true and real self, you have to be solid and stable on your own before you can truly love anyone. Because something real and true will last, it won’t feel forced and it sure as hell won’t end. Remember that. Good is good, bad is bad. Your sanity is worth letting go of the bad. Maybe this is my experience, letting go the love of my life that I thought was the one, in order to find Gods one for me. Myself. I’m writing this with experience from my own story. So I can’t fathom enough that our own happiness lies in ourselves. It’s truly hard to see that when we allow someone else to control or dictate it though, so I understand you. But if I did one thing right, it was healing that saved my life, and I’m not saying it was easy, but it was completely worth it.
Because sometimes you get lucky, and rewarded by being able to wake up next to your new lover, never questioning how you got here. You only thank God and yourself every day for allowing your heart to fully heal. Because it brought you something different. Something calming, and something pure. Sure you might be taking a gamble, you could end up hurt again. Life has a way of hurting us even if the person doesn’t. But you are brave because you are strong, so you aren’t afraid. You love with your entire heart because even if it breaks, you feel every bit of it, because you have before. And feeling anything, whether it be pure happiness, or life’s strong currents, you choose to conquer through it, and always ride out the waves, or the calm of the seas just to feel it. Because you've always had something to fight for. Something to protect. Yourself. So no matter where it goes, you know with every piece of it that if its real it will last. And if it doesn't that's okay too. Because you got you.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result right? Well, I for once did something different. And I couldn’t be more thankful with the outcome. I got my life, my heart, and my sanity back. And for that, I wouldn’t change a thing.
The 5 Stages of Break Up Grief:
Stage #1 Heartbreak.
To get through all the stages of breakup grief, unfortunately begins with heartbreak, and that part is the worst. It’s like death without dying. You feel like your entire life crumbles down onto the ground, except there you are still put together on the outside, but to have to keep going. You can't just give up on life just because someone gave up on you. Which is terrible, unfair and life shattering, because everything reminds you of that person. So you try to do everything in your power to keep them, but you can’t control it. You learn that quickly. You are sad, and it shows, but life goes on, and you start to go through the motions. For weeks. I think you don’t even leave the house because you are kind enough to not bring others down with your own self-pity. But your mom, because let’s face it, is the only person who still loves you when you go through trials and tribulations, or death without dying, is the only one there for you. She even forces you to go to a baseball game, and you decide to go because you are starting to feel confident because of all the weight you lost in the breakup, that you actually attract someone totally attractive. And it makes you feel good, and that begins stage two of this tragic healing process- the rebound revenge.
Stage #2 Rebound Revenge
You want to do this with someone totally hot, and out of your league, and somehow you get him to ask you on a date, and you are so wrapped up in your break up grief that you actually believe you like the poor guy. When in reality, you truly don’t. This stage is pointless, because a. You either end up in another fucked up relationship, because you can’t stand the thought of being alone because of that grief. Or b. Back to ground one. The hurt doesn't go away in this phase; it is only numbed by another man’s touch. When you finally wake up and realize this isn’t okay, because not only everyone around you is telling you, or the fact that even the hot dude himself is by saying he’s seeing other people, and that sex is just sex, something finally clicks. But that’s just the grief of this rebound revenge telling you that you just wish you could run into your ex with this guy. Because he is extremely attractive, saves lives, and is everything your ex isn’t. Let’s face it, you need someone to help you get over him, and this guy sure does. You know you need someone to distract your heart, and he is perfect for just that. Distraction, but he’s not the one. Because you cannot meet Mr. Right while you are healing from Mr. Wrong. And you might have to go through a few more Mr. Wrongs before you meet Mr. Right. But that doesn’t make you a terrible person, you are just dealing with healing, and that can take a few distractions. Don’t beat yourself up when those distractions get distracted. They fade out, because they aren’t yours to keep. Only there for you to rebound off of. Don’t be fooled by his charm either, because he’s only looking for a good time. But remember SO ARE YOU. Don’t get upset when it ends. Because if you do, and because of your good heart you probably will, you are going to be back at stage one, heart break. But it’s not over the rebound. You’re still one hundred percent in your grief and what you are feeling my darling is still the heartbreak from your ex. Because distraction only helps initially mask the hurt, but it does lead you to the next stage, which as hard as it is, is still progress. That’s when the anger begins.
Stage #3 Anger and Resentment.
You become angry, because you thought someone else could actually take that pain away verses healing before you rush into something on your own. I mean, how could you have even seen the signs, you weren’t fully healed and you were still living in the breakup grief to even think clearly right? You become angry with everything, life, yourself for allowing what you did. Believing in a distraction, hating and resenting your ex, blaming them for your rebounding actions. You feel helpless, hopeless, and aren’t sad anymore, you're just mad.
Luckily anger is a quick stage but it sure takes a toll, you almost lose the only people who are there for you, and even they are starting to get sick of you. But you know you are better than becoming bitter, so you snap out of the anger, and accept what is, that’s stage four. Acceptance.
Stage #4- Acceptance.
You realize that you have no control over anything other than your own choices, decisions and reactions. So you pick yourself up, and decide that it’s time to allow life to happen, when it’s supposed to happen. You learn that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be. But also, acceptance is where you come to terms about everything, and this can also cause a setback. By coming to terms with reality, and accepting what is, it forces you to take a look back. Not to go back, not because that’s even what you want anymore. You’ve been through way too much to do that. It’s more of a confirmation that you did the right thing, or the person that hurt you did as well. So part of you might want to tell them, or even thank them. And that’s when you need to really think about reacting to this emotion. Acceptance is so powerful, don’t allow this progress to take you back, this is the fork in the road, don’t allow it to keep you at the stop. You have become strong and have your control back, don’t cave into any force that tries to pull you backwards. Because once you accept, chances are, that hurt knows you are healed, and a lot of the times, it tries to keep you hurt, so it will take you back out of spite. Not love. DON’T FALL FOR IT. Keep moving forward, and accept the truth of the reality, not the falseness of a lie. When you do that, it’s truly something you have been waiting for. You finally feel alive again. For once, you don’t want anyone to fill that void because it’s gone. Your heart may have a bruise, but its mended. And you have accepted that you have finally made it through. You only look back in this stage because you finally have a level head, so by looking back it allows you to see all the areas you never did before, and this will only help you in your future relationships. Because by seeing the realness with clarity, you finally can see the truth. It may sting, I never said acceptance feels good. You might even be upset with yourself because clarity isn’t hidden or masked with a lie, it’s real, its harsh and it’s not always pretty. So don’t let this affect how far you have come, because realization can bring out so many emotions. This when you have to be the strongest. You let one emotion or feeling come out, you can open a ballpark of reactions. Being strong and not sinking into these feelings that are overpowering you, will help you get to the next stage, and that my darling is pure happiness, by feeling empowered and ready for something real.
Stage#5 Empowered and Ready.
You made it through the hardest stage of all, acceptance, you almost sank, but you trucked through the mud gracefully and came out with a smile. You are so proud of yourself for not only recognizing your flaws, and accepting them, but by finding yourself through it. You belong to you. You are in charge of your life, your heart, your soul and your fire. No one can take that from you ever again. You see that now. You see that if someone wants to hurt you, you have no problem letting them go. You have this pure smile that no one put on your face, only you. You feel thankful, you feel happy and you feel in charge. It’s so empowering. You can probably do anything in this stage because not only is the hurt gone, you don’t even care when you see the idiot driving, because nothing reminds you of them anymore, you are golden. You are ready for what’s to come, and anything you do now, isn’t because of the hurt. It’s because you feel brand new, and you are ready and open for anything. The possibilities may be endless, and you might make a few mistakes, but you will never allow yourself to be treated the way you did by the person that hurt you, or anyone ever again. Yes, darling, we are beautiful and we are human, we might fall for a few beasts who seem trustworthy, or gorgeous with light eyes, and beautiful lies. But because of what we have gone through before, we won’t allow it to shake us one bit. We see it now. We see the truth in a lie. We have learned. We are smarter and braver and don’t settle for bullshit. We can see it now. And even if the hottest guy tries to play games, we don’t roll the dice. We know better. I know better. Sure it’s okay to have a little fun, to allow yourself to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince, but you won’t ever fall for the frog, because you know better than too now. You got through all of the hurt by healing properly, and you allowed yourself to go through the hurt and the trials to come out of it alive. Not broken. You had to feel the hurt, in order to heal. You aren’t afraid to let go or to move forward. Yes, you are a perfect case of heartbreak, but it only shaped you. The Grief only rebuilt your heart to someday love again. That is what brings you pure happiness, because your heart is revived. And you have come full circle, out of the breakup grief.
These five stages are crucial, and one day you’ll wake up, and you won’t think or feel that hurt that you thought killed you. You'll realize it killed that part of you; the part of them that lived inside of you is dead, not you. You fully grieved, and maybe sometimes they will still cross your mind, but it won’t hurt you anymore. Because you are healed. You will smile for the lessons it taught you, and be thankful it did because you wouldn’t be where you are now.
Yes, breakups are hard. They are life changing. Just like death. That’s why I believe with all my heart that there are stages to grieve through them, and we shouldn’t ever hide from the stages of it. Pawning off grief is fatal. So either way, when you break up or learn that a person is toxic in your life, you don’t have a choice to keep them. You cannot force someone to love you, or force them to stay. So to isolate yourself, or to hold on is only going to keep you from living. Killing yourself with ongoing emotions, verses killing the relationship. Trust me, if you can find one ounce of self-worth, you can do this, I did. I believe in you, and I believe that in order to find your true and real self, you have to be solid and stable on your own before you can truly love anyone. Because something real and true will last, it won’t feel forced and it sure as hell won’t end. Remember that. Good is good, bad is bad. Your sanity is worth letting go of the bad. Maybe this is my experience, letting go the love of my life that I thought was the one, in order to find Gods one for me. Myself. I’m writing this with experience from my own story. So I can’t fathom enough that our own happiness lies in ourselves. It’s truly hard to see that when we allow someone else to control or dictate it though, so I understand you. But if I did one thing right, it was healing that saved my life, and I’m not saying it was easy, but it was completely worth it.
Because sometimes you get lucky, and rewarded by being able to wake up next to your new lover, never questioning how you got here. You only thank God and yourself every day for allowing your heart to fully heal. Because it brought you something different. Something calming, and something pure. Sure you might be taking a gamble, you could end up hurt again. Life has a way of hurting us even if the person doesn’t. But you are brave because you are strong, so you aren’t afraid. You love with your entire heart because even if it breaks, you feel every bit of it, because you have before. And feeling anything, whether it be pure happiness, or life’s strong currents, you choose to conquer through it, and always ride out the waves, or the calm of the seas just to feel it. Because you've always had something to fight for. Something to protect. Yourself. So no matter where it goes, you know with every piece of it that if its real it will last. And if it doesn't that's okay too. Because you got you.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result right? Well, I for once did something different. And I couldn’t be more thankful with the outcome. I got my life, my heart, and my sanity back. And for that, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Non-Fictionally Written by: Tiffany Bales.