Epiphany Tiffany

Every time I feel that I’m heading upward towards something great, I find myself back at ground zero. Why do shitty things happen to good people? Does being a kind person make us even more susceptible to being torn down? If that’s the case, why even tell me I  have a good heart? Or that I’m kind, sweet and matter? Or the I love you’s told by so many that I could now say that they obviously didn't mean. Yet here I am yet again, crippled back down in the basement. Breathing in this unclean air as it has me thinking… Perhaps we are just dealt shitty cards in life. Maybe the nicer and happier we are, the more shitty things happen to us. But should that truly ever stop us from being kind?  Nope .  Because through all the shit storms, and I mean loads and loads of crap I’ve been through, I somehow never allow myself to stop smiling. You wanna know why?  Because I know the things that happen to me are because they need to happen to me. To help me grow, to teach me to be str...

Every now and then, In my mind you ask me  how I’ve been. I tell you that I’m fine  hoping you don’t notice  my vague lack of genuine.  But of course you did. Because that’s who you are. You could always see  what’s really going on  inside of my heart. So where do I start? When people ask me about my day, I wanna tell them  it’s been a few hard years.  Instead,  I smile and tell them  okay, But deep in the seams  I’m unraveling away.  Every now and then, It really is okay. Then I compile all that I’ve been through  and find me lacking sensible faith. I guess it’s easier to blame myself  than carry resentment that would eat me away. I couldn’t blame you. I just accepted the truth,  broke into pieces  and wept through endless bottles of Chardonnay.  Every now and then, I even question my own mistakes. I guess I thought if I did something different  maybe the past I could’ve escaped.  But I’m als...

Why do old miseries come back? Eagerly recycling through my veins To hit me stronger than a heart attack? In light of the many years that have past, Emphasizes the agony in this unsought for setback. Cause I’ve been greatly high and divine. How does one split second bring back sorrow that affects me heavier than an entire bottle of wine? When it’s just history that made my soul not feel alive. But I guess it debuts every now and again I take a glimpse back at my life.  Remembering a love that allured my heart to run straight to forever. When instead, I should’ve just called the damn coroner. To come bag me up before I got run over. Or to stop me from the actual forever that never endeavored. Cause now I feel like shit whenever I remember. Those god damn ghosts that fancy haunting me whenever. I just wish that they would forget me altogether. For the mere sake that I revived myself from those fatalish wounds. I didn’t put a bandaid over an arterial laceration. Or bury my broken hear...

  Are we all broken? I can’t help but think while I’m having drinks at a rooftop bar looking at the view of the small speckles of life existing below me. Yes and no. As adults, we have been through so many trials that we are sort of fixed the way we are. Yet, somehow we adapt, we heal, we change, we grow and we conquer. Hell, I’m super independent and broken myself. But I’ve learned so much about me just by allowing someone else into my safest space. Doesn’t mean it’s easier when you turn one into a duo. We still have our own issues we face daily ourselves. But how do we find balance? How can we turn everyday frustrations that bring out our own insecurities to find reassurance? I mean this is all simple stuff. But god I can’t tell you how many times I felt triggered by someone else’s bad day that only led me to an insecure breakdown. So how can we find trust in an untrusting world? How can we find peace during trialing times? How can we believe in something more when we have always...

"Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk." - unknown The one isn’t some fascist fairy tale falling for you the moment that you are about to get hit by a car and saves you kinda one. What do we live on planet hallmark or Earth? Like some force that gravitationally draws you in one. Or my favorite...the first love one. We've all been here but hate to break it to you all, the one isn’t usually someone we feel a strong force for. I believe that’s anxiety telling our guts to run. So, what makes someone the one? Because I simply want someone, I want to be with who also wants me in return. Seems legit enough for me, minus all that fancy one for you stuff. Fairy tales will still tell us otherwise. But finding the one isn’t about them being the one. It’s literally about choosing SOMEONE that you want to make the only one for you. Monogamously speaking that is. The one you choose that also chooses you is the real shit I am talking about here. ...

Ever feel like you have expectations but in a negative connotation? Like the survivor inside expects hurt, trials, and pain just because that’s all you know? That’s just comfort. “comforhurt” is how I would say it. Because a survivors telescope only focuses in on the deceptors that are striving to take aim at our vigorous hearts. We know that we can capture them. It’s easy for us, because we are already expecting them to fail us. So, we reel em onto our paths and allow them to conquer their quests simply because it’s comforting. As if survivors don’t have time to expect positive qualities like normal unhurt people do. But the issue is… WE ARE ALL BROKEN. Hurt people hurt people. But I saw a reel that said, heal people heal people, and it dawned on me that we’re all a little bit of both hurt and healed. To be healed, well we gotta get through the hurt hurtles first, cause technically ya can’t be healed without hurt.. But maybe survivors posted themselves on the forbidden island of doom...

It’s easier to dismiss our pain by pretending it doesn’t exist. I mean, we all do it. But the issue with this temporary fix is, by dismissing our pain we aren’t actually dismissing our pain. What we are actually doing is placing our pain down to the very bottom of our emotional priority list because we don’t want to make any effort to deal with it. We end up harboring it down to the very bottom layer of our emotional scale until the next time we face any type of hurt. Doing it over again, creating a pattern of more layers of hurt. AKA harboring our hurts, until we have these layers of unresolved damage all because we simply did not want to face them. Until one day trauma strikes us, and we are dead end into an emotional rock bottom. Left stranded with all of our rotten onion layers of hurt staring at us with nowhere to run. You see when we get hurt, we put a band-aid over it, keep calm and carry on. Repeating this for decades until we are adults realizing we have deep rooted layers of ...

“A dream is a wish that your heart makes” -Lily James The only dream I ever had was you. So when do I begin  to consider anything new, If all of my wishes  for a split second came true, But burnt out  right as time led me to you   I never had any intentions  behind my every move. The only thing  I ever wanted and lost was you. Thankful now  that time didn’t stop in its shoes. I learned so many things  not running after you.   Like forbidding vicious souls  that try to tell my heart what to do. I no longer believe in beautiful lies  that aren’t followed through. I’ve grown so many ways  you probably wouldn’t recognize me now  even if I was staring at you. I smile a lot more  and choose to do what’s right  even if it beats my heart black and blue.   But sometimes vulnerable thoughts  lead my mind to drift towards thoughts about you. Weakening my immunity, Until I’m plagued with a virus  that heavily ...

The world doesn’t stop just because it may feel as if yours has. When devastation seeps deep inside as if a dagger suddenly stabbed the life out of you. As that pain slowly seeps through your veins like blood but it’s cold. And the oxygen that kept that love alive is slowly deflating, while you are laying on the floor gasping for it to save you. But it won’t. And just like that another soul is crushed. Another heart is left hanging by a ounce of hope that still believes there is a chance. But you can’t live your life holding on to false hope. Because that hope only leads to disappointment when realization points you back to everything you ever wanted being ripped from underneath you. Tripping you down with the fire still burning. But you’re too far gone to even try to put that flame out. So you lay there and let what you thought would heal you, kill you. Because one of the hardest things to face is finding true love, yet having to let it go when you still feel every ounce of it beating...

Is it a something or a nothing?  Those doubtful thoughts that rush over us when we start seeing someone we actually like. But how are we even truly supposed to know whether it will or it won’t? Cause the truth is pretty plain and fucking simple. We don’t. Because putting ourselves out there is a gamble. But it’s also a heck of a lot more than that because it actually makes us brave. By being our true and authentic selves, we are actually able to weed out the people that don’t correlate to us. Which I’d say is a bonus. Not a loss. Because dating isn’t about winning or losing. Hell, dating isn’t even considered a game. It’s more like a bunch of little lessons that guide and build us towards the person that we want to choose. So why do people believe that dating is such an obstacle if the ultimate goal is to find someone that truly gets us? Because although it is hard putting ourselves out there, it’s even harder to trust someone these days. But thanks to all those jokers and ghosters...