Shallow.

"It’s not what they see in you, it’s what you see in yourself that determines your depths" -Tiffany Bales.

The deep end is dark, bottomless and terrifying. You can drown, you can sink, and you can ultimately disappear into the darkness of it. Trust me I’ve been there, treading its water and gasping for air while submerging down into it.  But it was the security of being on the boat that carried me out to it, that relinquished the fear of being in it to begin with. As if the deep dark ocean was not even there, but somehow right underneath my feet. I was standing on what I thought was solid ground, only with thousands of feet below me. I guess I didn’t think that in any given moment the ship could actually sink. That I could find myself without ground. Sinking into the deep, all well cold and alone. But somehow the solid ground on the ship made me believe that I was safe, and wasn’t going to drown. But I was in the ocean, and the ocean controls the ship. I couldn’t rely on the ship. I learned I could only truly rely on myself. So before I stepped onto that boat I should’ve read the safety precautions, or seen the hazard of the weather that was already starting to storm. But fearlessly I got onto the ship anyways. I guess I just trusted it to guide me through the storm because of its promise to keep me safe that was promised to me. So I just believed it and completely disregarded the rough seas that were in control the entire time. Although, the warning signs were there, and they were everywhere. I still allowed the ship to take me out to the deep because I believed that the ship would never leave me in the deep dark sea alone to drown, but it did. The ship failed to protect me. The ship had flaws of its own that were already to far gone to fix. I was left alone in the treacherous sea to protect myself. Yes, thankfully I made it out alive, bruised and broken, I did not succumb into its depths. Maybe a piece of my soul drowned into its abysmal deepness, leaving a part of myself still out there. Or maybe a part of myself actually did succumb into its darkness, that’s now a lingering shadow left there to remind myself just how deep I actually was. A lesson to teach me that the seas are real. But just because they are real, doesn’t mean they are going to protect me, keep me safe, or let alone save my life. That we have no control over. That’s why I am so damn terrified to go back into the deep sea again. Actually, going back into the sea at all is the last thing I want to do after that horrific experience. So who can truly blame me for that? 

But maybe when I least expected it, someone did come along and tempt me to get back in. Somehow managed to pull me back in with their incredible charm and total different approach. But am I totally illogical for not wanting to go to far? I don't think so one bit. Not after nearly drowning in the deep. I know that the shallow is exactly where I need to be. So people can judge me all they want. They can go right ahead and put their own justification on what they think shallow means. But in the actual dictionary, and not the online one, it states. adj: Not Deep. OK, so we can all go think of what our own versions of what we believe NOT DEEP means. But not deep doesn't mean hollow, or empty. SHALLOW simply means not deep. So I would love someone to tell me how in the world that it can ever mean EMPTY? That's a whole entire different expression. So let me elaborate for you skeptics who think every single thing needs to mean something, that life cannot ever just be simple, enjoyable and fun, because those things could never truly have meaning right? NOT. 

Shallow, AKA "not deep" is seamless. It's laughter and simple smiles. Just because it’s not deep doesn't mean it’s not meaningful or enjoyable. Some of my best memories were in the shallows. Like when I first learned how to swim was in the shallow, and I can't even remember one sad or angry thought about that moment. Only incredible things. Simple easygoing fun playing Marco Polo, and laughter is what I recall from it. I’d call that meaningful. Simple is a good place to be. Deep can get ugly because there is so much lurking underneath the surface. The shallow is see through. You can see the bottom and there is no frantic mystery underneath. It’s exactly what it is. It's what you needed to smile, to live, to laugh and to feel something good for once after you sank down into the deep sea. So I actually see being in the shallow as rebuilding my strength. It’s me not craven down into my own depths because of what happened to me. I'm actually brave because although the shallow is peaceful, simple and beautiful. It only helped me realize that I am stronger than I think I am. That I can still tread in the shores and get back in after nearly loosing myself in the sea to begin with. That to me says more than how deep or shallow I actually am.

So is staying in the shallow really something to condemn if you know it’s going to keep you safe? I don't believe so. Actually, I truly think sometimes you need to get out of the water completely before you jump back in. But who am I kidding? I am me. I am no quitter. I'm just bruised, but never broken. I am a warrior and I never allow something to bring out my fears. Besides, because of the type of person that I am, people gravitate towards me. They actually want to push me back in, and maybe sometimes they make me want to fearlessly jump right in as well. But I know better this time. I know what’s safe and what’s not. Because I saw darkness. So I must never go there and stay only where the light touches. Because right there, things will be safe and alright. Isn't that what Mufasa told Simba in The Lion King? I mean that came straight from Disney, so I guess I don’t get why a lot of these women think that we need to run straight to the depths with someone else so fast? Because they assume they get their King in the end? Not. This. girl. I can run my own empire my damn self. 

Besides staying in the shallows with me is okay with this boat, it’s a symbiotic relationship. So why not live a little? Why not take a safe route for once? I mean does everything in life at every moment have to be extreme? Yes, I do want to live my life to its fullest, to travel and settle down one day. But right now, in this chapter of my life, baby steps are essential. Safe routes are effortless. I'm all for living. Don't get me wrong. I will be the first person to say, GO FOR IT. Because yes, I usually take risks, and go all in. But sometimes we need to take a step back and watch things from our own towers over our life.  I need to reevaluate where I want to go, and enjoy the simple pleasures that I never had the chance to before. I was so deep in the ocean that I forgot about the shores. The only part of the shores I could actually see was the lining off the horizon. Being so far out to the point where I couldn't even tell the difference, is when life knew I needed to be reminded. To go back to basics. To learn how to walk before I can swim. We all have moments and times in our lives where we just need to enjoy the peace and calm after a storm. Not run directly into another one. What are we Storm chasers? Not me. My heart needs time to rest. I will always walk before I run. Stepping back into the shallow is the only way to get back out to the deep sea anyway. Do I want to ever jump back into that? Honestly, right now I can’t even fathom it. Do I think someday I might find myself back into it? Of fucking course. But right now, I want to enjoy the calm beautiful shores, the shallow water and beautiful tides. Because it’s so much better when you don't have the pressure of that depth underneath. I'm not going to run or jump. I'll slowly and casually get in step by step, making my way only around the shallows, because that’s the only place I feel safe right now. 

Do I blame the ship for the shipwreck and for not ever wanting to go back out into the deep? Not one bit. I don't even hate it. Because of that ship, I would've never known just how deep the ocean can actually be. One day I would like to test the deep waters again, but of course on a solid sturdy ship that is. Because if anything, I have learned to make sure that the ship is solid before I ever let one take me that far out again. The shallow is great, it is reliable, and safe. But I know that life isn't meant to play safe. So when timing is right, I will be ready for a bad ass ship to sail me off back into the deep. Because I myself already know that I am just as badass as the deep water itself. I will not ever allow myself to sink, because I know my worth and my saving grace. For it was my faith alone in the ship that made me get on it in the first place. Because I am fearless and courageous, and that will always remain with me. Whether I sink or swim, I will always be fearless. I am much more than the shallows. That's why I don't really belong there. But it is what I need right now. To reteach myself how to doggy paddle in the shallow, before I go and do those backstrokes in the deep. Besides, the shallow is exciting in a whole new way than what I'm used to. I guess I was on a broken ship for so long, that I forgot how peaceful and beautiful the tide pools really are. The sound of the waves crashing ashore, and the stillness of the sand once those waves drift away off of my feet. The true solid ground of the sand between my toes only brings me the security to be able to touch the ground. It only reassures to me that I am incapable of sinking. I appreciate the simplicity of it. That alone makes me smile with a sigh of relief. There may be no depth to it, but that's what makes it absolutely perfect.

So I'll stay right here in the shallows and be proud of myself for even being able to get back into the sea at all. It took a lot inside of myself to get here to begin with. But nothing stops me, those who know me know that. So to play it safe is smart, at least until I am one hundred percent sure of the ship that I want to depart back to the deep sea again on. So I’ll just stay here awhile. Because I didn't make it all the way back to the shallows just to sink and drown again.

Always remember that. 

Written by: Epiphany Tiffany